Brace yourself for the snark coming your way, Amigo.
Epiphora's Snark Digest #2

Hello, peeps.

Welcome to the second edition of Epiphora's Snark Digest! I'm thrilled that you are still dedicated to the cause of sex toy adoration — and annihilation. Below you'll find little summaries of recent posts on my blog, followed by musings on upcoming toys, the stupidest emails I received this month, memorable tweets, and interesting links.

If this newsletter makes you giggle, share it with your amigos!

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Fun Factory Stronic One

Hell Yes: Stronic

This new toy from Fun Factory doesn't vibrate — it thrusts. Like a Shake Weight, only... pleasurable?
Wolf Hudson Is Bad .com

Review: Wolf Hudson is Bad .com

Wolf Hudson's new paysite has tons of cunnilingus, some pegging, and even a cuckolded urn.
LELO Mona 2

Review: LELO Mona 2

The word "love" comes to mind. This toy is so versatile and rumbly, I can't deny my feelings for it.
How does a sex toy reviewer decorate an office?

How does a sex toy reviewer decorate an office?

How about with lube paintings, vulva magnets, and framed inspirational tweets?
This will be your life.

This will be your life.

Whenever someone insinuates that sex toy reviewing is easy, I plan to sternly point them to this post.
Lovehoney Sqweel 2

Review: Sqweel 2

Still a vulva hog, the Sqweel 2 offers an odd, sometimes good type of stimulation — when it's not pulling my pubes out, anyway.
Postcards from the Peanut Gallery: Jollet

Postcards from the Peanut Gallery: Jollet

I resurrect a 2.5-year-old letter from a friend about this G-spotting wonder.
Vixen Creations Leo

Review: Leoweenie

An excellent silicone dildo with stimulating foreskin! This limited edition BATCOCK — err, Leoweenie — is still available at some stores.
Sex toy news & upcoming toys
Tantus space toys and new plugs

Dude, Tantus has gone nuts with the new things this month! Not only did they re-design their website (eradicating most of the pink, YES!), but they released two new sets of toys: tri-colored space toys and new plugs with excellent bases! I dunno about you, but I gotta have that Twist Plug.

NobEssence Mesmerize and DareGASP, new toys from NobEssence! These are the Dare and Mesmerize. Not to point fingers, but does someone at NobEssence have baby fever or something?

Fun Factory is coming out with a line of "thrusting" toys. I discuss their potential to be either really awesome or an utter failure on el blog.

VibeaseJust 2 weeks left to preorder yet another vibe controlled by a smartphone! And its name, Vibease, sounds like a brand of petroleum jelly, so that's pleasant. Really, I'm just including this for the hilarious video. Go to 54 seconds in. I dare you.

My favorite powerful beast, the Wahl, has been pulled from sex toy distributors because the makers don't want it to be known as the scandalous device it really is. It now can only be found on innocuous stores like Amazon, for the low low price of $15.

LELO Luna Beads NoirJumping on the Fifty Shades bandwagon, LELO has released their Luna Beads Mini in a "noir" edition, and Fun Factory is re-releasing their original Smartballs.

Love to Love, makers of banana- and popsicle-shaped toys, have come out with 3 sex toys not inspired by food. They're boring.

Crystalized BodywandI don't think this vibe has enough bling, guys.

Pipedream has released yet another celebrity sex doll, this time modeled after Justin Bieber. Unsurprisingly, two seconds after submitting their usual press release, they were publishing another about all the "mainstream attention" the doll is getting. I love how they pat themselves on the back: "nobody creates products with mainstream crossover appeal like Pipedream." Yeah, because other companies have class.

Stupidest email(s) I got this month

The best from my "morons" label in Gmail this month includes a truly ill-conceived sale with the actual subject line Sandy Blows… But 15% Off + Free Shipping is awesome! 15% off what, you ask? Waterproof vibrators. Yes. They went there.

This next one requires an accompanying image... and the comforting knowledge that we cannot yet smell things through computers.

VULVA Original
Hey Ephidora,

Our company, vivaeros is the developer and manufacturer of VULVA Original. We sell VULVA Original worldwide exclusively via our online shop, for now five years and hold all product rights and licences. Until now, vivaeros has not given any distribution rights to all interested international retailers, due to its special and exclusive selling concept.

What is VULVA Original? – It is the real erotifying vaginal scent of a desirable woman – VULVA Original is NOT a perfume, but the captivating intimate scent conserved as an odorous substance, made to satisfy your own smelling pleasure. The real organic substance is imbedded in a classy glass-phial, encased in an exclusive packaging.

Would you be interested in writing about our product?

Looking forward to hearing from you.
If you want the truth, I considered it. I considered it because I knew I could decimate it and that would be GREAT FUN. But then I remembered that the folks at Early to Bed already sniffed it and reported that it smells like horse pee.

Then there was this.

The reason I'm reaching out is because I'd love to send you a Beautygasm Collection by The Collection includes 4 deluxe beauty samples along with a bonus gift valued at $20 AND something to give you that extra glow you can't get from beauty products ... a Trojan Vibrations Midnight Collection Interchange 5.3.

If you'd like me to send over a free Beautygasm Collection for you to try out for review and/or provide product for you to host a giveaway on your site, please let me know.

Thanks so much!
Teehee, that extra glow!

When I didn't respond (my polite way of saying no), I was pestered again. Yo, I already reviewed that vibrator... oh, and I'm not a beauty blogger?! I am not swayed by tiny samples of lip balm, "roll on shimmer," and liquid hair serum. I do, however, feel like I've really made it as a blogger now that I've been offered beauty products.

Links I've loved and of course, loathed

30 pictures of our NEWLY RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT eating ice cream and snow cones. Joyous.

I thought I knew all the best reasons for being pro-choice, but then I read "How I Lost Faith in the "Pro-Life" Movement."

Phthalates strike again, this time in make-up.

STOP THE PRESSES. A man has managed to walk by Ann Summers without feeling like a perv!

His wife's dying wish was to have her vulva (VULVA, The Frisky, not vagina) engraved on her headstone. Would be awesome, except the reasoning ("I don't want you chasing other women") is creepy as hell.

People are still getting injections to "enhance" their G-spots! An enhancement that goes away after less than 4 months. I'm weeping. Please, save yourself $900 and just get a Pure Wand.

I most definitely need the Inbox Zero merit badge. I earned it several times this month.

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Toy of the Month
LELO Mona 2The LELO Mona 2 wins this month's battle. With more power than any other LELO toy I own, I loved it clitorally immediately. Then I tried it internally and still loved it.

Upcoming reviews Looking forward to one of these, or have an idea for what I should review next? Reply to this email, use my contact form, or drop your ideas in my suggestion box!
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Memorable tweets

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