Brace yourself for the snark coming your way.
Epiphora's Snark Digest #8

Hello, peeps.

Welcome to the eighth edition of Epiphora's Snark Digest! Below you'll find summaries of recent posts on my blog, followed by my untethered thoughts on upcoming toys, the stupidest email(s) I received recently, and enjoyable links.

Also, stay tuned for an email about my huge 5-year blogiversary giveaway. There are going to be SO MANY prizes!

Fucking Sculptures ad

Big thank you to my new newsletter sponsor, Fucking Sculptures, makers of gorgeous glass dildos!

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Review: LELO Ida

I'm lucky I still have a boyfriend after reviewing the LELO Ida.
The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

The color most likely to send me on a rampage

Gosh, I bet you just cannot guess.
Will Write for Dildos panel

Will Write for Dildos panel

The transcript and audio from my CatalystCon panel!
Review: Lovehoney Flash

Review: Flash

One of the buzziest vibrators I've EVER tried. That is not a good thing. It feels like a gourd of bees.
On my way to CatalystCon West!

On my way to CatalystCon West!

The calm before the crazy-ass storm.
Postcards from the Peanut Gallery: Seduction

PPG: Seduction

A glorious wooden dildo that doesn't get the attention it deserves. A reader backs me up.
Can online reviewers be sued for defamation?

Can reviewers be sued for defamation?

I ask someone who knows — a lawyer.
Review: U Touch Side

Review: U Touch Side

Topco tries to play in the big arena and falls flat on their face
Sex toy news & upcoming toys
We-Vibe 4

The We-Vibe 4 is almost here. It's smaller than the We-Vibe 3, with a much-improved remote. But it's only available in purple and pink, so I'm just gonna go to their HQ and stab someone real quick — BRB.

LELO sneaked up on us with their newly-released Ida, which I loathed, so let's move on to something hopefully better: KEGEL BALLS! They're called Hula Beads, so I can only assume they are made of balled-up palm fronds. Apparently they rotate, vibrate, and respond to the squeezing of PC muscles. We'll see.

Tenga Vi-Bo line

Tenga has a new line called Vi-Bo (ooh, they took out the r!): weird shapes and "orbs" that take watch batteries. The one that looks like an exercise device? You're supposed to stretch it across your palm. God help you, though, if you watch the teaser video for this line. Brain cells will be lost.

A company I've never heard of has released semen-like lube. Welcome to the club.

Have you heard of sex toy company Ammo? I hadn't either, until they emailed me. They make generic-looking (pink of course!!!) vibrators, although the Sakura does intrigue me slightly.

Crystal Delights pony plugs

Crystal Delights now has brightly-colored pony plugs, so you can be the My Little Pony of your dreams. Sadly, these do not come with symbols to stick on your flanks.

Tantus AmsterdamTantus has some new stuff that is being slowly rolled out. One of those things is the Amsterdam. You cannot fathom just how big that black one is. "Beast" is not a strong enough word.

Topco has reached a new low, as they've struck a deal with teen mom Farrah Abraham for a new toy line. In her porno she was completely incapable of properly using a dildo, so I am disturbed.

Stupidest email(s) I received lately

The MoodsignAlthough I have a soft spot for the guy who tried to buy a lifetime text link on my site for, at most, $200, I had to give the grand honor of stupidest email to this motherfucker, who emailed me FOUR TIMES to date about his... product. I hesitate to even call it that.
For your Reviews section we thought you might be interested in a potential review of The Moodsign, the new (non-sex) sex toy and game cards designed to help couples avoid mixed signals and find the perfect timing to make love, spice things up in the bedroom, conceive a baby, or just keep their relationship fresh through simple, fun and effective sexual communication.

“Wanna have sex tonight?” So often couples either initiate sex in ways that are not a turn on or are just plain boring, or their initiations simply get missed. As CEO Chris Choulet can explain, the Moodsign offers a fun, simple way for couples to flirt, tease and arouse their partner into sex, or better still, avoid those mixed signals when she really just wants a warm bath and foot massage.

The Moodsign is a simple, easy to use, discreet and non-verbal. Just raise The Moodsign arm, choosing a color that represents the activity you want to share with your partner. Blue might mean taking a nice, long bath, green might mean an erotic massage and purple could mean a romantic evening together. Or choose a random color by holding the color selection button on the back of the device.
It goes on, but really, you should just go to the website and watch the video. They are things of beauty.

Moodsign video

Links I've loved and of course, loathed

Danny Wylde is retiring from porn. Here's a recent interview with him to make you even more upset about that.

An Oral History of HBO's Real Sex really makes me want to watch Real Sex.

This look at former 4chan girl Loli-chan is upsetting on many levels.

We've all been duped by capitalism.

This Vine compilation video is incredible. In fact, I'm gonna go watch it again...

Even I never knew about this precursor to the Je Joue SaSi. Fascinating!

Dudes turning gym shorts into dresses.

This #FollowATeen hashtag makes me feel old but I also can't stop laughing.

If you're a sex toy entrepreneur, getting investors isn't so easy.

This is what I feared about the new Lovelace movie.
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