How I spend my days, LELO's new oral sex simulator, and more...
Epiphora's Snark Digest #8

Hello, peeps.

Welcome to the tenth edition of Epiphora's Snark Digest! Below you'll find summaries of recent posts on my blog, followed by my untethered thoughts on upcoming toys, the stupidest email(s) I received recently, and enjoyable links.
Fucking Sculptures ad
Big thank you to newsletter sponsor, Fucking Sculptures, makers of gorgeous glass dildos!

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When sex bloggers party

When sex bloggers party

YES, OKAY, YOU GOT US. We do ride sex machines.

Review: Cupcake

Then I look down and I'm holding a fucking cupcake against my vulva and that's just embarrassing.
Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2013

Best and worst toys of 2013

I recount my favorites, least favorites, and give out faux awards.
A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

My life is not glamorous, unless Photoshopping hairs off dildos is glamorous?
iGino One

Review: iGino One

iGino would drink shitty tequila, say "YOLO," and throttle your clitoris.
Revel Body

Review: Revel Body

The infamous Shit Orb finally gets its day in court. The sentence is both harsh and much-needed.
LELO Smart Wands

Review: Smart Wands

So much potential wasted. Yet again, a glitch ruins everything.
A stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

A stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

If someone offers you a Sybian, you say yes. This is law.
Sex toy news & upcoming toys

The BIG! NEWS! of the moment is LELO's latest product, the Ora. It's basically a re-imagined SaSi, which I gotta say, I'm not wholly opposed to. I just think it's funny that LELO is marketing this like they thought of it first.

Fun Factory AmorinoTwo steps forward, one step back. Fun Factory's latest is a fucking joke of a thing called Amorino. It has a silicone band around it that is supposed to enhance pleasure for someone somewhere, but is mostly a marketing gimmick so they can liken it to cupid's bow. Sigh.

At ANME, We-Vibe promises updates to their Touch and Tango, Aneros is unveiling a vibrating Evi, and Jopen is adding stuff to their Lust line, including rabbits, anal toys, and clitoral toys (the L3 and L2.5 look interesting).
OhMiBod blueMotion

OhMiBod's latest is a Bluetooth-enabled underwear vibe called the blueMotion. It can be controlled with a smartphone and even has a feature for recording ambient sound. The article recommends your lover saying "I love you," but there are much less vanilla possibilities.

Jimmyjane's The O RingCan we talk about the fact that Jimmyjane is selling what is essentially a stainless steel version of the shitty Monkey Spanker for $250? I swear, Jimmyjane, you make it so easy to hate you.

Cascade Toys, makers of self-lubricating vibrators, now have self-lubricating anal toys.

Oh, you thought Divine Interventions toys were scandalous? Behold Masturpieces: Vagenie, Rampant Rabbi, Cunt Dracula, and Buckingham Phallus. They're limited edition, so if one speaks to you...

Since Jenna Jameson has decided she will spread her legs for the adult industry again, I guess it's fitting that her vulva is now a Fleshlight. And speaking of faux vulvas, now your iPad can be equipped with one

A company called Lovense is making "long distance sex toys" that, of course, are hetero as fuck — the pieces are literally named Max and Nora.

Stupidest email(s) I received lately

This was like, instant glory, and I knew immediately it had to be shared with all of you, with no commentary needed:

This is my video to you about my exercise set--
My website-
These are some favorite testimonials-
Give me a call if you are interested(716-548-1889) or email me back.
A newly revealed exercise routine to train your sexual capacity , performance, and experience.
I would like to have you try out this exercise routine and give a review of its effectiveness.
If this sounds like something you would be interested in doing I can send you a instructional video, or do a online skype.
This is an exercise system to train a persons sexual aspect. Its takes 20-25 minutes to train each session.
Results for Men-- stronger erections, overcomes premature ejaculation, increases sexual desire without driving you crazy, The level of enjoyment of the act increases
Results for Women-- increases ability to have orgasm, increases intensity of orgasm and length of orgasm. Increases capacity for lubrication, every women who has trained in this system has claimed male attention has increased to a lifetime high.
Meet Sun Mones-I am martial artist and welder living in Buffalo, New York. In 2002 I had the good fortune to meet a Kung Fu master of a Chinese yoga lineage while he was in Buffalo, NY. My teacher taught me the entire system and qualified me to teach in late 2010.
Thanks for your time..sun

Links I've loved and of course, loathed

This guy has two penises, and you'll be happy to know, he uses them well and often.

Even if you purport to be the most loathsome human being imaginable, dudes on dating sites will still want to fuck your brains out.

Amanda Hess' depressing article Why Women Aren't Welcome on the Internet should be required reading for anyone with an internet connection.

HBO's old show Real Sex is getting a reboot and I MUST SEE IT.

One brave soul sniffed out the truth about sex toy recycling, and I am indebted to them for making phone calls I would never make.

An angry ex-girlfriend decapitates her former partner's dildos. CRUEL.

In browsing the best of 2013 on Tumblr, I found this glorious post in which Nicolas Cage is placed strategically all over someone's house. Almost as good as the Steve Buscemi prank.

Who will be the next Sasha Grey? This article has some ideas.

Cosmo's sex tips — always great post fodder.
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