Brace yourself for the snark coming your way.
Epiphora's Snark Digest #8

Hello, peeps.

Welcome to the ninth edition of Epiphora's Snark Digest! Below you'll find summaries of recent posts on my blog, followed by my untethered thoughts on upcoming toys, the stupidest email(s) I received recently, and enjoyable links.

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Hitachi Magic Wand Original

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

I finally get the Hitachi. And... I really like it.
Wake-Up Vibe

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Consider this an intervention for those of you who still think an alarm clock vibe sounds cool.
Jopen Vanity VR1 kegel balls

Review: Jopen Vanity VR1

My vagina is deeply offended by these so-called "kegel balls."
Discontinuation alert: Vixen neon dildos

Discontinuation alert: Vixen neon dildos

Some of the most beautiful dildos are going away. Guess we can't have nice things.
Epiphora's sex toy gift-giving guide

Sex toy gift-giving guide

Sex toys are better gifts than socks. I'll help you choose a good one.
The best birthday presents

The best birthday presents

I get all mooshy about the birthday love y'all gave me, and collect cat + dildo photos.
I can't sum up CatalystCon

I can't sum up CatalystCon

I had so much of a ball that I couldn't summarize any of it.
Um, No: Masturbating Glove

Um, No: Masturbating Glove

This thing is horrifying, of course, but what's worse is how goddamn racist the company is.
Sex toy news & upcoming toys
 
Dee Lee Doo dildos

Crowdfunding. Again. Always and forever. This time for wooden dildos, which, if you ask the creator, may just be the first wooden dildos ever! The company name is Dee Lee Doo, which I find really childish and upsetting for some reason. Oops, they didn't reach their $10,000 goal.
 
Tenga Iroha Mini

Tenga's latest thing (are they going to have a new thing every month?) is the Iroha Mini which, as it turns out, isn't any smaller than the Iroha vibes, nor is it similar at all. It's battery-operated and has one speed.
 
Joanna Angel Fleshlight

Joanna Angel's incredible vulva has become a Fleshlight! Halleloo!

The company that perpetrated the self-lubricating vibrator has unveiled a series of self-lubricating vibrators based on Twilight. According to the company, this series "is aimed at those who prefer a darker side to their sex toys." I see.
 
Sqweel Go

The third generation of Sqweel is upon us, called the Sqweel Go. It's adorable and tiny and maybe too tiny but it's too soon to tell?!

Sorry in advance for this: Sex Toy Belt. My friend said it best: "LET ME JUST PULL THIS CHEAP LUBE OUTTA MY SLUTTY KANGAROO POUCH. Like seriously what the fuck and when you lay down it would all fall out anyway and is it for people who don't have tables???"
 
Aqueous Vibe

This is the Aqueous Vibe. It, um, does this. It shoots water at your clit like a squirt gun. Would you rather have a host of tiny streams hitting your clit? OK, no problem, there's always the G Splash.

I really like my Leaf vibe, Life, but I am NOT THRILLED that the new Leaf+ line is made solely in purple. Maybe you should've not named your line Leaf?


Stupidest email(s) I received lately

This guy is REALLY EXCITED about this UNTAPPED NICHE he has discovered. And by niche I mean body part. And by body part I mean the frenulum. He is so excited that he is re-selling a toy from California Exotics. Legal!

(Most hilarious parts in bold. Also, I really thought this was a form letter until I got to the shock twist ending of the last paragraph...)
I am new to your forum, but please let me know if you would be interested in FREE product to review?

On steveohtoys I have a new to to the market (patent pending) male penis ring that places direct vibrations (in the form of 2 controllable eggs) on the mans sensitive yet erotic Frenulum!

At this time probably 99.9% of people do not even know that this way to stimulate and climax the penis is even possible. The sensations achieved by teasing and alternating the vibrations and pulsations is a real eye opener to this new and un-tapped niche. Most men have experienced their partner licking and teasing the frenulum and it feels pretty damn good; well my product is aimed at directly putting various controlled vibrations on the frenulum for a teasing and powerful ejaculation. You do not move the item up and down like you would other penis massaging toys, in fact you use no lube at all. In fact keeping the eggs on the frenulum and alternating the vibrations is key to enjoying this un-tapped niche. As an alternate use, a man can use the ring and place the ring and eggs at his penis base and make his penis into his lovers personal vibrating toy to ride, etc...

Right now at steveohtoys I am selling a bundle package that includes for all orders: 4 incrementally sized enhancement rings (to satisfy different girth), 2 sets of batteries (8 in all) for immediate use, and a Cal-Exotics dual egg controller that uses replaceable plug-in jacks, and a FREE Lifelong replacement on the rings no matter they may get broken eaten or destroyed.

Somehow i am thinking your boyfriend of 9 years may enjoy this kind of a review!! haha!!
Like, this dude somehow read my FAQ page and witnessed my website and actually still thought I'd be interested in his piece of shit.

Scroll down to the prototype section only if you dare.


Links I've loved and of course, loathed

Today in stupid articles about sex toys, behold "How I Met Your Dildo" ("I calmly accused her of cheating on me with a piece of silicone") and "The Sex Toys in the Attic" (because god forbid anyone find our SHAMEFUL sex toys after our deaths!).

Porn star Jessica Drake ran into those assholes from XXX Church, who are apparently still around.

This mouse-like creature has so much sex that it disintegrates.

Danny Wylde's latest post about his transition out of porn is fucking poignant.

I kind of really wish I could stick my hand into this robotic butt.

This Japanese game show in which a gay dude tries to make a straight dude come is delightful.

Remember your worth as a writer. "Nobody ever asks [my sister] to perform a quick lobectomy — doesn't have to be anything fancy, maybe just in her spare time, whatever she can do would be great — because it'll help get her name out there."

Tips from Tizz Wall on how to maintain separate identities online.

I loved this interview with Andy from Ruffled Sheets about chastity.

James Darling is delivering pizzas to make ends meet.
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