2014 has been a difficult one for my family. Until recently I wasn't sure what or how much to share with you about our situation.
Now I am ready to come clean and tell you what I've learned.
The long and short of it is my mom had a stroke in January. Her recovery has been painfully slow. We live about 1200 miles apart and the distance + uncertainty + complicated family history have left me feeling decidedly out of sorts - exhausted, sad, anxious, short-tempered.
Add to this that I also I have a three year old (which only makes sense to other pre-schooler parents, but just know it's like having a really posessive, unsophistocated boyfriend part of the time).
And you get someone in serious need of self-care.
In January, a few weeks before my mom's stroke, I choose NURTURE as my word of the year.
So many opportunities to nurture myself this year - I finally have a daily meditation practice, I've been gratitude journaling, drinking water, practicing almost daily restorative yoga, connecting with friends, taking mama time outs when tempers run high, reaching out for help, hiring a babysitter and eating lots of fruits and veggies
So here's the big lesson of the year: Even when you are doing ALL THE THINGS in terms of self-care, sometimes shit still sucks.
Sometimes you are just sad. Sometimes you are just mad. Sometimes you just want to cry. And sometimes you wish everything could just go back to the way it was before. Because that's when everything was perfect. (It totally wasn't).
The I wish it could go back to the way it was story I've been telling myself is funny to me because I know from all my experience in yoga and meditation that sometimes the feelings that come up are the unpopular ones: fear, envy, rage, deep sadness.
When the FEELINGS arise in those moments I am reminded by my teachers that those (and all other) feelings are temporary and impermanent. And yet recently when I felt like I was been overtaken by a wet, dark cloud of grief/sadness/depression I felt it would last forever.
Am I coming down with something? I must be coming down with something. I think Iâ€™ll go to my doctor and see.
Husband: I think you are mourning. Exercise will probably help. (Dudes are super helpful that way).
Doctor in response to the email I sent her about why I am coming to see her: I think your husband is right.
So friends, here is your PSA of the day:
Sometimes you are going to experience sadness and a touch of the depressions (as I like to call them) even when you are practicing every single self-care trick in the book. Itâ€™s okay. At some point it will most likely pass or at least there will be moments where things wonâ€™t seem so bleak anymore. Youâ€™ll sleep through the night (hallelujah) and youâ€™ll wake without all the weight of the world on your shoulders and youâ€™ll remember that nothing lasts forever.
Not even the crappy stuff.
I hope you are well.
With lots of love and compassion,
PS - If you know someone who would like this or other posts from TGBTS, please share.
PPS - The exercise is totally helping.
Other posts you might like:
19 Tips for Caring For Yourself While Also Taking Care of Your Loved Ones
Permission to Rest
Look Back In Order to Look Forward
Treat Yourself: 8 Reasons Why Private Yoga Session Might Work For You