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Is "Douthat" an onomatopoeia? We're pretty sure it's an onomatopoeia.

Movie Pitches for a Post-Pandemic World

60*: In the 2020 pandemic- and labor-unrest-shortened MLB season, the White Sox went 60–0 en route to their first World Series victory since 2005. But should their incredible season have an asterisk next to it? From producer Barack Obama and the guys who brought you Fever Pitch comes the sports movie from an era when we worried we'd never have sports again.

Jumanji 5: There’s no alternate world, but they play a board game, which is pretty fun.

The Newest Wes Anderson Movie [working title: The Sunnyside ICU]: What, you think that just because there’s a global pandemic, Wes Anderson can’t make another movie? You don’t think he can just walk into someone’s house, paint everything in pastels and make things symmetrical and well-lit? Fuck you. (Starring Jason Schwartzman.)

I Know What You Did Last Summer 2: A psycho murderer stalks a group of teens who spent the summer of 2020 ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL, NOT SOCIAL DISTANCING, HAVING PARTIES INDOORS, SPREADING THEIR IDIOT GERMS EVERYWHERE.

You Stupid Motherfuckers: This is just three and a half hours of Dr. Anthony Fauci personally and repeatedly insulting the American people (directed by Scorsese, obviously).

Shooting Blanks: A heartwarming rom com about LeBron James, a generational talent on the court who has his last shot at winning one final NBA championship. But you’ll never guess who his team signs—his nightmare ex! Premiering on the Hallmark Channel this August.

Quaranteam: OK, hear me out—it’s six conventionally attractive white people who live in a massive apartment in the Village, and buddy let me tell you, they get into some serious HIJINKS during their time in quarantine (they fuck).

Imagi-nation: A gutsy documentary following that time The Celebs sang at us for some reason, culminating in an emotional debut at the Toronto Film Festival.

A Quiet Place Part 3: It’s quiet because we’re all dead!

Untitled Harry Potter Prequel: In which J.K. Rowling reveals that the founders of Hogwarts were all anti-vaxxers. (Also that Helga Hufflepuff had an IUD.)

La La La La Land: The President spends every minute of every day singing incoherently to avoid learning about all of the people dying. The choreo is sub-par because only white straights are allowed to help on the film.

There Used To be 50: A touching tribute to the former state of Florida, written and directed by Pitbull. 17 Oscars, a clean sweep.

A Totally Random Thought LOL

So, like, I was thinking and, like, I had a total ~crazy~ idea that’s like super funny but what if all of the people who said Donald Trump wasn’t elected for being a racist were LOL totally wrong and haha he is just a racist and that’s why they elected him and IT’S. JUST. WILD. because white Americans have enjoyed never having to change their way of thinking and, like, LOL they realized we may actually have to start moving towards real equality ;) after having a Black president didn’t magically make racism disappear WHICH IS CRAZY BCUZ I TOTALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD :P and lol then they were like “I don’t LOVE oppression but I’m supes afraid of real equality and racial justice because my grandparents did some p fucked up stuff to make sure Black people didn’t live in their neighborhood” then *oop* they voted for the guy who started his campaign by calling Mexicans rapists but it was chill because he did concede some of them are okay so it’s not a race thing except the whole putting kids in cages thing so I guess that was a racism (?) but the stock market was booming so yay racism (!!) jk but really they did enjoy the racism because it freed them from the PC police who made them do bads like not say the N word and call people by their names which is totes hard since I hate people and their stupid names UGH and now the president is retweeting people saying “white power” except he didn’t hear that part because ~he doesn’t hear color~ which we used to think was a no no don’t do except all of the indoor racists are now outdoor racists and lol I know it’s just a random idea but ;) maybe forty percent of our country just wants to kill Black people haha OOP

The Types of Dad Photos on My Insta Feed on Father's Day, Ranked

  1. Dads Who Are Drunk and Clearly Drink a Little Too Much from Time to Time
  2. Dads Grilling
  3. Dads with Porn Staches and/or Coke Bottle Glasses
  4. Dads Lovingly Holding Pets
  5. Dads Driving Boats
  6. Dads Reading in Armchairs, Totally Unaware a Photo Is Being Taken
  7. Dads Without Shirts, Despite Body Type
  8. Dads Deadpanning Phone Cameras
  9. Dads in Tuxes
  10. Dads Drinking Michelob Ultra
  11. Dads Dancing with Daughters at Weddings
  12. Dads Smoking Cigars
  13. Dads Trying to Take Selfies
  14. Dads Holding Their Newborn Kids
  15. Dads Fishing
  16. Dads Golfing
  17. Dads Wearing Paperboy Hats

History Isn't Being Erased. It's Being Engraved.

As the protests following the death of George Floyd have mushroomed into a broad-based nationwide movement for criminal justice reform and racial equality, we have seen scores of statues and monuments associated with slavery and the Confederacy toppled. And on the heels of these dismantled monuments, like clockwork, traditionalists have emerged from the woodwork to admonish the protesters against “trying to erase history.” They would argue that we should leave intact these statues—which memorialize people who fought and died to protect the institution of slavery—because to destroy them would constitute an Orwellian revision of our history that would doom us to repeat it.

But to tear down these monuments to the progenitors of our nation’s greatest sin would not be to erase our history. In fact, it would accomplish the exact opposite: it would help accelerate the generations-long, arduous process of moving this horrific era in our nation’s past from the most accessible layers of our cultural memory, where it currently resides, to our history, where it belongs.

The distinction between memory and history is crucially important, because history is nothing more than a catalog of events that have filled our nation’s history, but memory is what those events mean to us and how we carry them today. We don’t get to choose our history, but to a large extent, we get to choose our memory. What is happening right now in cities across the nation is a rare and remarkable thing: enormous, powerful masses of American citizens declaring, in real time, that America’s shameful story of slavery belongs in its history, not in its memory. 

To remove something from our memory is not to diminish its importance or deny that there are valuable lessons (very valuable lessons) to be drawn from a certain piece of history. It is simply to assert that our children and our grandchildren and every generation thereafter should live in a nation where they study something as history, rather than live it as part of a present reality. In this case, it is an assault not on the history of slavery, but on its persisting legacy, which is perpetuated and reasserted every time someone walks past a Robert E. Lee High School or a Jefferson Davis Boulevard. After all, memory is what ties the past to the present, and to sever that cultural link is a vital step to moving on not just from a piece of history, but from its pervasive and lasting effects.

If citizens or governments don’t take deliberate, decisive action to turn memory into history, there’s no telling how long a piece of history can sit prominently in a nation’s cultural memory. Take Serbia, for example, whose most celebrated national holiday commemorates a battle that took place in 1389. Or look at the Middle East, where geopolitical relationships are complicated by a religious schism that happened in the 7th century. History can have tremendous staying power—sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

Americans tend not to look at history with as long a view as in most other parts of the world, so it doesn’t seem to occur to many people that this could be an issue that plagues our country for centuries to come. People seem to believe that, with the passage of time, the legacy of slavery will slowly evaporate like a glass of water. Perhaps they’re right. But it’s certainly not difficult to imagine this issue staying in our memory, lodged in our present rather than in our history, for generations and generations.

Doing away with publicly sanctioned monuments to those that fought to preserve slavery goes a long way toward dislodging its legacy from our memory and etching into the checkered annals of our history. It is but a fraction of the work that will be required to make reparations and forge a society anew, but it is among the easiest concrete things we can do right here and right now to move forward. To do so would not be a disservice to American history; the real disservice to American history would be to keep the legacy of slavery in its current role as a bedrock of our cultural memory.
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