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It’s Time to Compromise with the Sith

My Fellow Rebel Alliance Members,

This past week has been a joyous one indeed. After years of fighting and thousands of casualties suffered, we have done it: We have defeated the Galactic Empire. The Death Star has been destroyed. Across the galaxy, Humans, Wookiees and Jawas alike have erupted into spontaneous dance. It is a momentous accomplishment, and nobody is more excited than I am. However, despite our happiness, it is critical to remember that there are millions of Storm Troopers and Sith who are just as sad now as you were when Emperor Palpatine murdered your family. Today, we must chart a path to compromise with the Sith Lords to guarantee a new era of peaceful cohabitation.

I understand that many people do not agree with the Sith platform. Their policies, like blowing up planets that don’t submit to their will and force choking anyone who criticizes them, can certainly ruffle some feathers. And yes, I concede that their enslavement of Wookiees, Mon Calamari, and other races was less than kind. However, we must admit we are much more alike than we are different. Who among us hasn’t drank a few too many at Mos Eisley cantina and then killed a few innocent bystanders? Or turned a blind eye to a genocide or two so you could spend the weekend enjoying pod racing? If you can look past all of the “We want to murder them all” rhetoric, you’ll see they are just like you and me.

Now, I will address the Hutt in the room: I am a former member of the Imperial Ruling Council. However, I only joined to protect all of you from his worst impulses, and I am a firm never-Palpatine Sith. That’s why I joined #TheResistance -- not because the Emperor killed my children and exiled me from his Star Destroyer. My colleagues and I at The Anakin Project have been critical to your success, whether the results show it or not. 

While this is a grand accomplishment, now is not the time to get carried away. We must be very careful about listening to advice from young radicals like Luke Skywalker. The way forward is through compromise. So open your arms to the Sith -- they promise not to cut them off. 

Make John King Get back in front of That Map until They Call Alaska's ballot Proposition:
An Open Letter

Listen here, you little shit. None of us are having a good time, ok? I hate it here, you hate it here, we all hate it here. 

But if there’s one thing that’s been getting us, collectively as a nation, through this past month, it’s been watching John King suffer in front of his damn map.

For days on end, the powers that be at CNN refused to let him sleep. To let him eat. To let him out of a room with his ex-wife. “Read us the results,” they told him. “The people want to know the latest totals from Bucks County.”

And indeed we did. We relished in his pain, danced in his torment. We delighted in that first light of daybreak when we flipped the TV back on and found him there, as he had been the night before. Outfit unchanged, face in agony, zooming in closer and closer on Atlanta suburbs.

But here’s the thing: it was never about the election. It was about the joy we got in watching one man suffer for all our sins. We need that back in our lives, and with 40% of the expected vote in Alaska outstanding and a ranked choice voting ballot proposition still left to be determined, we have ample ground to demand it.

So get back in front of your map, Johnny boy. Read us the numbers. Tell us which areas historically HATE ranked choice systems and where we can expect boatloads of those famous Ranked Choice Zealots to be voting. Zoom in on the swing precincts. Extrapolate wildly. Do a math.

You have no choice. It’s either your pain or ours.

A Step-by-Step Guide to
Killing Grandpa

The air is crisp, the inflatable snowmen are out, and puffer vests have been swapped for puffer coats. Yes, it’s the holiday season -- and that means one thing: it’s finally time to kill grandpa. 

The old bastard has been alive long enough, and lord knows that beach house isn’t going to hand itself over. Now, with snow on the ground and disease in the air, it’s time to end things. 

To help you out, here’s our step-by-step guide to killing grandpa this holiday season.

  1. Get yourself a nice indoor meal in the busiest city near you. You can’t go killing grandpa on an empty stomach.

  2. Go to the gym regularly. You’re going to want all your strength to finally do him in.

  3. Don’t wash your hands. What, you can commit murder but you’re afraid of germs?

  4. Take a flight to get to him.

  5. Invite him and all of your relatives to a lovely Thanksgiving dinner, especially the irresponsible ones and the ones who forward chain letters

  6. At dinner, hug him and spend all of your time right by his side

  7. After dinner is over, give one more hug and a kiss on the cheek. Look him right in the face and wish him well.

  8. Wait.

If you followed all of these instructions closely, chances are great that you’ll get the ultimate Christmas present -- a dead grandpa! Stay tuned for more to come in our holiday tips series. Next up: how to use the word “hero” charitably instead of doing anything useful!

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