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The best newsletter is the one in your heart. You’re welcome. xoxo.

You’re Not Allowed To Worry About What's In The Covid Vaccine If...

You’re not allowed to worry about what’s in the Covid vaccine if:
  • You’ve done drugs 🤪🤪
  • You have ever referred vaguely to “a study”
  • Something about vaping!!!
  • You don’t have a history of severe allergic reactions to vaccines or chemicals frequently found in vaccines
  • You are the author of New York Times–referenced book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big
  • You drank a freaking Four Loko!!! 😂😂
  • You were one of the Clemson football players who Donald Drumpf force-fed lukewarm McDonalds to
  • You have played Eduardo Forty Hands
  • You either own a Jay Cutler jersey or have ever watched an episode of Very Cavallari
  • You live a life of sin
  • You were part of the lab of food technicians responsible for the Papa-dilla
  • You smoked the joint that was offered to you by the guy in the Jason Williams Kings jersey during Passion Pit's set at Lollapalooza 2012
  • You have ever eaten anything purchased at an Arizona Diamondbacks game
  • You don’t brush your teeth and floss before Mommy tucks you into bed 😇
  • You have tried three or more flavors of MD 2020
  • You voted, or thought about voting, or for the briefest moment considered the mere notion of voting, for Tulsi Gabbard
  • You eat ass 😈
  • You’re still in line to vote! Stay in line!

who is each song on evermore by

  1. willow. this is a taylor swift song. 
  2. champagne problems. this is an unreleased train b-side to hey, soul sister.
  3. gold rush. this is a kacey musgraves song.
  4. ‘tis the damn season. this is an american football song, but it’s about phoebe bridgers.
  5. tolerate it. this is a mitski song.
  6. no body, no crime (feat. haim). this, inexplicably, is not a haim song. this is a chicks song.
  7. happiness. this is a phoebe bridgers song, but it’s after she’s been granted access to SSRIs.
  8. dorothea. this is an avett brothers song.
  9. coney island (feat. the national). this, fittingly, is a national song.
  10. ivy. this is a haim song.
  11. cowboy like me. this is a brandi carlyle song. 
  12. long story short. this is an alligator-era national song covered by fearless-era taylor swift.
  13. marjorie. this is a maggie rogers song written by lorde.
  14. closure. this is a st. vincent song, but like, stripped down.
  15. evermore (feat. bon iver). unlike exile, this is a bon iver song.

Ranking The Damn Monoliths

If there is one thing we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up worldwide, it’s this: they say a lot about society. 

If there are TWO things we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up worldwide, it’s this: happy monoliths are all alike; every unhappy monolith is unhappy in its own way. 

But if there are THREE things we know about the monoliths that have begun popping up nationwide, it’s this: I’m gonna rank em. 

7. The New Mexico Monolith. This monolith bored me. 

6. The Second California Monolith. I fucking hate this piece of garbage. A boring, clearly copycat influencer-bait piece of shit. It wasn’t even the first monolith in its county

5. The Romanian Monolith. Garbage-ass IKEA bullshit. It’s not even a monolith, it very CLEARLY has different sections that were INEXPERTLY welded together. Piss off, you fucking poser. 

4. The First California Monolith. I honestly don’t know why San Luis Obispo thought it got to be part of this. Plus some artists or something have already taken credit, which is not how this is supposed to work.

3. The Netherlands Monolith. This monolith is fine. Underreported imo, and potentially not even real, which is a big plus honestly.

2. The Utah Monolith. The original was honestly kinda cool. Apparently it had been there for years, and it was far enough out of the way that it didn’t seem like a tourist trap. Plus no one really knows what or where Utah is, so it had an air of mystery. And it was tight when it disappeared, at least until the other ones started showing up. 

1. The Isle of Wight Monolith. Shiny. On an unnecessarily pretentious-sounding British island. Photogenic setting. Quality build. Checks all the boxes. 🤩🤩🤩

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