These are trying times. Chance the Rapper has come out in favor of Kanye over Biden, and we STILL haven't been invited to the NBA bubble. But don't for a second think that will prevent us from hitting up your inbox with this sweet, sweet, newsletter content. 

20 New Nicknames for the Washington Professional Football Team

At long last, Dan Snyder has done the impossible and finally caved to pressure from corporate sponsors, fans, and the Native American community (probably in that order) and announced that the Washington professional football team will retire its racist nickname. Here are 20 recommendations for what the team's new name should be: 
  1. The Washington Dan Snyder Profit Padders
  2. The Washington Remember Clinton Portis? He Was Fun! 
  3. The Washington Tarped Off-enders
  4. Joe Gibbs Racing
  5. The Washington Mile Away From Public Transport Walkers
  6. The Washington Redtubes
  7. The Washington 7–9ers
  8. The Really Located in Maryland but Say They’re Located in D.C. Georgetown Preppers
  9. The Washington Devil’s Triangles
  10. The Washington Obese Midwestern Tourists
  11. The Washington Metro Fires
  12. The Washington And Lee Grads
  13. The Washington Brownnosers
  14. The Washington Network
  15. The Washington Fighting Gingham Shirts
  16. The Washington Bars That Turn You Away If You’re Wearing Flip-Flops. Fuck You, El Centro On 14th Street, You’re A Shitty, Seedy Establishment And I’m Glad You Didn’t Give Me The Chance To Patronize You On That Fateful August Night A Few Years Ago. I Went To Drafting Table Instead And Watched Premier League Re-Airs While Sipping Two Nice Beers Instead Of Your Bottom-Shelf, Taint-Filtered Tequila Shots. If I Wanted To Have Some Junior Analyst From The Inter-American Development Bank Bump Into Me While Salsa Dancing With His Extremely Intoxicated 20-Year-Old Intern, I Would Go To Clarendon.
  17. The Washington Chodes
  18. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Think Tanks
  19. The Washington Dark Money “Free Market” Military Tanks
  20. The Washington Bethesdas 

The Dumbest Possible Lines in F9 If It Goes to Space

In an interview last week, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges let slip a remark that strongly suggested the possibility that the newest installment in the Fast and the Furious franchise, F9, will see our favorite crew of international crime-fighting street racers go to SPACE. This is actually somewhat logical for a series of films that has raised the stakes with reckless abandon in each successive film, though we admit we had hoped they’d wait until the tenth film for the inevitable space excursion so the world could be treated to a barrage of groan-worthy Space X puns.

Throughout the course of the last nine films, the franchise has made a splendid transition from a self-serious homage to Los Angeles street-racing culture to a rollicking, self-aware half-caricature-half-tribute to the action movie genre. However, the series has never completely uncoupled itself from the corniness of the earlier installments, so if F9 does indeed take our favorite Family to space, we can expect some absurdly bad dialogue to surround the adventure. Here are a few lines we think we might hear in the film:

DOM: You know, my pops always told me to shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, he said, you’ll land among the stars.

ROMAN: We’re going to SPACE? Hell yeah, baby! I’ve always wanted to see some of them good-lookin’ alien bitches!
TEJ: [rolls eyes]

JOHN CENA'S CHARACTER: Just because there's no gravity in space doesn't mean you can't get a little........Attitude Adjustment

TEJ [TO ROMAN]: No one can hear you scream in space, so maybe we'll finally get one quiet moment from your dumb ass.

LETTY: You know I'd ride with you to the end of the Earth...
DOM: We may need a little more than that this time.

ROMAN [to Ramsey]: Come on, baby, look. I could take you anywhere. [points to Earth from space shuttle] You wanna go to that place there? I’ll take you there.
TEJ: That’s North Korea. You’re gonna take her to North Korea?

The MLS is BACK, Babyyy

Take it from somebody who has tried getting into Premier League soccer over the past couple of weeks: top-level soccer kind of womps. Players flop like James Harden getting hit by a paintball. NBC refuses to pump in audio of Everton fans calling refs wankers. And the players are too dang handsome (or they are Wayne Rooney).  

But MLS? The North American soccer league with League One–caliber talent, (probably) less racist fans, and way cooler jerseys? Nah dude, the MLS is dope as hell. 

The best thing in sports I saw this week occurred in the second half of a game between the Bridgeview Fire and the Seattle Sounders. Behold:
Look at that shit. I certainly have—100 times at least (it was hard to learn how to make a gif). I’ve been starved for sports content for weeks, barely getting by on KBO bat flips and NBA bubble gossip. This though? This is manna from the content heaven. 

It is on from the second that ball hangs in the air and you realize that something very nasty is about to happen. Even the announcer muttered an “oh no” when he saw the collision coming. Then the small dude gets absolutely, insanely, completely and utterly TRUCKED by Fire striker Robert Berić. 
I hadn’t realized I’ve been missing this feeling since Rudy Gobert ended sports—that feeling you get where your body reacts almost before your brain, where your organs draw up a little into your stomach and you can’t help but shout “oh shit” at your screen as something very physical happens. I didn’t turn on my TV yesterday morning to see a small guy get shoulder-pancaked into filthy Floridian dirt by a Slovenian, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t the best part of the 90 minutes I spent watching mediocre soccer.

And all this comes before Lord Berić Putyouonyourassagain pulls some next-level video game shit to finish the play: 
Sick, right? So yeah, the MLS can be cool as heck. Maybe it’s fun in the way that shit-going-horribly-awry-in-AA-minor-league-baseball can be fun. But at a certain point, what’s the difference when I get to yell “motherFUCKER” at my TV because I was thrilled out of my seat by something so physically imposing yet graceful that it can only be done by a professional athlete?

I don’t know that we deserve sports coming back in America yet. The return of sports should be a reward for doing things well, which we most certainly have not. And I don’t know if we’ll even make it to the NBA, MLB, and NHL’s return date without it being a physical (if not a moral) impossibility to play sports. 

But I do know that watching live sports during the middle of the day made me happy. Listening to a veritable United Nations of on-field chatter in Spanish, German, and English made me happy. And these gifs made me especially happy. I hope they made you happy too. 
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