The four statements you’re receiving from a coffee shop whose WiFi you logged into three years ago

On the 25th Anniversary of Jagged Little Pill

If you ask me, Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill, which turns 25 on Saturday, has a case as the best album of the 90s. It is an uninterrupted string of absolute slappers. There is not a single skip track, and of the twelve songs on the album, you could make a compelling case for at least eight of nine of them as her best song ever. It is the rare coalescence of an artist’s near entire anthology of top bangers burned onto one small piece of polycarbonate plastic.

Owning a copy of Jagged Little Pill is like owning a time machine that, by some bizarre design fault, can only transport you to your angstiest moments of the late 90s and early 00s. In a way, the album captures the experience of learning for the first time that things can be unfair, that people can hurt you, that life can suck. The songs depict the broad range of instinctive, almost mechanical ways we respond to this realization, be they anger, frustration, apathy, amusement, forgiveness, or optimism. It strikes me as the type of album that means something different to everyone who listens to it. To me, it brings me back to having frivolous fights with my older siblings in our basement. That an eminently talented and seemingly pretty pissed off 21-year-old (!!!!) Canadian girl wrote an album that resonated with everyone from middle-aged divorcees to whiny youngest children only beginning to learn about the world speaks to how well it really does capture the human condition.

Like any cultural set piece that so eloquently captures a long-lost zeitgeist, it also offers no shortage of retrospective comedic relief. Knowing that the line “would she go down on you in a theater” was directed toward the guy who played Uncle Joey in Full House is something close to euphoria. The line “I’m young but I’m underpaid” is a close scrutiny of Clintonomics that was at least 20 years ahead of its time. And, of course, it is nothing short of hilarious that Alanis gaslit an entire generation into misunderstanding the definition of “ironic.” 

I highly recommend giving this album a relisten this week. If absolutely nothing else, you can get out of this hellshit of a timeline and instead spend 50 minutes in your emotionally overwrought memories of the 1990s.

Proposed Line Items for MLB's Negotiations to Bring Baseball Back

Baseball’s owners have finally stooped to considering whether or not they’ll return to the negotiating table to discuss with the player’s union if America will have its national pastime back this year. Here are our proposed line items to add to the bargaining process to ensure that the return of baseball is a success:
  • Automatically declare Tim Anderson and Javy Baez the AL and NL MVPs of our hearts, respectively.
  • Finally put the Seattle Mariners out of their misery.
  • 200% more steroids.
  • Give me a firm commitment that I will be able to download an app version of Backyard Baseball to my phone by no later than mid-July.
  • No concrete policy idea here, but can we make this sport a little more fucking exciting?
  • All players must choose among The Outfield’s “Your Love,” Megan Thee Stallion’s “Savage,” or Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” for their walk-up song. There are no other options. 
    • LoR would be willing to accept a proviso outlining that a player may choose either Megan Thee Stallion’s initial version of “Savage” or Megan Thee Stallion feat. Beyonce “Savage (remix).” 
  • Mandatory racial sensitivity training for all St. Louis Cardinals baseball fans before they’re allowed to tweet. Actually, better expand this to all baseball fans. 
  • Change the Hall of Fame induction rules to make Charlie Blackmon’s beard immediately eligible.
  • Two Pirates–Reds games per year replaced with a three-hour, no-holds-barred, dugout-on-dugout bench-clearing brawl. 
  • Atlanta Braves aren’t allowed to use the name “Atlanta” until they move back within the city limits. 
  • I get to hit Bud Selig.
  • Send all Cubs fans a $10.50 cup of warm Bud Light and an audio recording of Karen from Naperville loudly insisting that “all lives matter” to simulate the gameday experience at Wrigley Field.
  • Force Joe Buck to run blindfolded in front of the pitcher’s mound every half inning.
  • Any team with baby-blue throwback uniforms required to wear them until there's a new CBA (yes, that's at least half the league's teams).
  • Defund Tom Ricketts. 

Introducing: Google

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks, huh? One day, you’re carelessly walking down the street singing Lana del Rey. The next day you find out that DESPITE Green Book winning Best Picture, racism is APPARENTLY still a thing??? It’s wild. At times like these, you instinctively want to turn to your friends who are knowledgeable about what’s going on to get support. However, after realizing your friends are pretty fucking white, you have decided to turn to an even better source of support: That one black person from your junior year English class that you’re pretty sure you worked with on a group project. You ask them everything, from where to donate, to how to protest, to how to define the word “systemic”. And UGH (!!!) they’re all like, “I’m sorry, but I do not have time to talk to you about this and also I wasn’t in your English class.”

Well, despite their selfishness, I have good news for you: I have discovered a new tool that will help answer all of your pressing questions. Introducing: Google.

For the uninformed, Google is an A-MAZ-ING thing on the internet that lets you discover relevant information. From “What is racism?” to “Are you sure I can still be a racist if I like the movie Barbershop?”, Google is a gateway to sorting out all of the questions that are driving you crazy, but you can’t seem to find a black distant acquaintance to answer. Best of all, Google will connect you with a bunch of other crazy new tools that can help fill in your knowledge gaps—like Reddit, for finding out whether you can be a furry and a racist at the same time (you can!), or Twitter, for discovering whether people will threaten a hate crime on a public forum (they will!).

During this uncertain time, we are all looking for answers. With Google, you have that knowledge at your fingertips. Now, go forth and educate yourself—then spend twelve times as much time repeating and iterating the small bit of knowledge you learned. We’re counting on you. 
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