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Now that baseball is (maybe?) back, we can all stop pretending to care about Premier League soccer and go back to ignoring baseball until the playoffs start.

Photographs of Obama Sitting on a Couch, Ranked

10. Can you imagine feeling as if there was a realistic chance you’d lose to John McCain and Sarah Palin? And can you imagine holding hands with your mother-in-law? The things this man went through, my word. I know this is more of a “loveseat in a Holiday Inn that’s shooting way above its paygrade” than a couch, but it makes the cut nevertheless.
Vibes: 6/10
Comfort: 3/10
Upholstery: 2/10
Overall: 3.67/10
9. Relaxer in chief. Featuring Diamond Joe, probably explaining something to somebody who already knows what’s up. Aviators galore. This photo makes me feel older than Ronald Reagan on the day he left office (a.k.a. the same age as Biden on the day he enters office). Two point deduction in comfort rating for being alone with Biden in his office. White flowers on blue cloth: pure malarkey. 
Vibes: 7/10
Comfort: 4/10
Upholstery: 2/10
Overall: 4.33/10
8. Whose podcast is this anyways? Also, how come the Oval Office has to have the same shitty floral print on the washed-out couch, just with a slightly more tasteful a color scheme than the couch at the U.S. Naval Observatory? As for Barry O though, he looks cool as can be (at least for pairing cuffed pants with square-toed shoes). I would bet anything in the world that Axe flubbed a "how do you like dem apples" joke five minutes after this photograph was taken.
Vibes: 4/10
Comfort: 7/10
Upholstery: 3/10
Overall: 4.67/10
7. This is the Mendoza Line of Barack Obama Couch Pics. Great head tilt. Nothing but respect for the manspreading leg-cross.  And the uncomfortably close quarters at the end of the couch with your pornstachio’d roommate is a cherry on top. The bro-bama era looks chill as heck.
Vibes: 8/10
Comfort: 5/10
Upholstery: 2/10
Overall: 5/10
6. A rare couch pic where Obama smiles with his teeth. But this sectional is a little too Martha Stewart-y for my taste. Props to Michelle for matching her blouse to the (yet again!) flowery print, this time on an assaultingly rosé cloth covering.
Vibes: 8/10
Comfort: 5/10
Upholstery: 4/10
Overall: 5.67/10
5. Huge liberal fail. Classic Ivy League Obama can’t figure out how to lay on a couch. Big fan of the two-tone upholstery though. Hope he got some friends to help him move this couch rather than leave it for the next tenant. 
Vibes: 9.5/10
Comfort: 0/10 — not on the couch
Upholstery: 8.5/10
Overall: 6/10
4. A classic entry in the Barack-smizing-on-a-couch-with-Michelle-and-featuring-extremely-90s-energy genre. My guess is this was a free starter loveseat from her parents' basement. The comfort-colors teal jars with the bright white (and picture-frame-less) background, but I think it accentuates Barack and Michelle’s wonderful style decisions for this photograph. 
Vibes: 9/10
Comfort: 8/10
Upholstery: 5/10
Overall: 7.33/10
3. Holy shit these vibes. Pensive. Composed. Cool as hell. Withering houseplant in the background. I would stay up all night listening to this version of Obama lecture me on the import of the Harold Washington mayoral campaign or whatever he was into at the moment. 
Vibes: 10/10
Comfort: 7/10
Upholstery: 6/10
Overall: 7.67/10
2. Does this man ever show his teeth while posing for a couch photo? Does he need to? My only gripe is with the couch’s upholstery—it feels like a missed opportunity to pair it with the graphic and artistic choices of the rug, squatty-potty statue, and prints. I wish I had been as confident as these two clearly were about everything from their interior design to their life choices. 
Vibes: 10/10
Comfort: 10/10
Upholstery: 7/10
Overall: 9/10
1. Excellent all around. Not only does the couch look comfy as all get out, the plush exterior interacts perfectly with the color scheme of the pillows, wall, and background art. The perfect couch for a loving family, especially since it gives them plenty of personal space but also the option to cuddle up together. 
Vibes: 10/10
Comfort: 10/10
Upholstery: 10/10
Overall: 10/10

EXCLUSIVE: The tracklist for Sufjan Stevens's upcoming album has been leaked

LoR has obtained the tracklist for Sufjan Stevens' upcoming album, Etsy Handkerchiefs. Check out these surefire bangers:
  1. goodbye happiness, etude no. iii
  2. Wall, SD
  3. I Wish I Had Been Better Friends with Phil, the Guy Who Played Euphonium in Concert Band in High School
  4. # Actually Should Be Referred To As “Pound Sign,” Not “Hashtag”
  5. Toward a More Progressive Tax Policy in the Kingdom of Sheba
  6. Sic Semper (Rick) Moranis
  7. Get Paroxysmal!
  8. Everlane’s Shipping Costs are Too Dang High
  9. Feline AIDS
  10. Michael Dukakis
  11. Herpetology x Ornithology
  12. Tripping Acid on the Feast of Saint Joseph Day
  13. Andrew Bird Hath Released All Of My Bees, or, Our Prank War Has Escalated Into Me Stealing All Of His Old Timey Cartography Tools, or, Holy Balls I Dropped Andrew Bird's Sextant on My Foot and it Hurts Like a Motherfucker
  14. How Do I Get Glitter Out Of My Bedsheets?
  15. Pontius Pilate’s Waltz
  16. Driving My Iguana To The Veterinarian (I’m Not Sure Whether They Treat Iguanas) 
  17. Isaac’s Bris
  18. Hark! The Washing Machine Now Charges $1.75 Per Load! 
  19. Triglycerides Are a Type of Fat (Lipid) Found in Your Blood
  20. hello sadness, etude no. viii

Goodreads is the Best Social Media App

Goodreads is the best social media app. Sorry flickr or medium or whatsapp or whodunnit or whatnot, but Goodreads is so good it should be called Greatreads. Weather Channel app? Uh, looks like a big front of fuck you is rolling in—Left on Read stans Goodreads as the best app of all time.

What other app lets me subtly perform my own wokeness (why yes I did just recently finish How to Be an Antiracist, and of course I gave it 5 stars) while judging others for their hollow performity or failure to even try (The Help: The Book???). And what other piece of technology can give me a sense of what percent of a book I’ve gotten through—something that, before the Goodreadaissance, I had to figure out by flipping to the back of the book every five minutes. Sure it might be owned by Bad Bad Daddy Bezos, but as far as I can tell Goodreads hasn’t influenced an American election or been a Trojan Horse for Chinese spyware. 

Goodreads is an app that reminds me how many of my acquaintances are over-achieving nerds who like to announce how many books they want to read in a year to strangers. But it can simultaneously tell me how many of those dweebs are also willing to broadcast to that same audience that they have thoroughly enjoyed Jock Blocked (“She can’t let him score…”). 

At Goodreads’ best, it promotes an almost unqualified good (reading). And even its worst elements (reducing the complex nuances of a piece of art down to a five-star rating system; the incessant gamification of everyday activities) aren’t the worst examples that we’ve seen from apps such as Robinhood or Yelp. With Goodreads, I don’t have to like other people’s activity. And I don’t have to worry about whether other people have liked the fact that at some point I intend to read The New Jim Crow (yes I know I’m at least five years past due on this). Better yet, I can shout into the newsfeed void that, yes, I have read all seven Harry Potter books, and also yes, I think they’re excellent—all without having to go on Twitter to catch the latest updates from the TERF-war front

At the end of the day, Goodreads is all that I want out of a social media app: A nerd’s hot-or-not ranking of all of literature, combined with a way to judge the people who voluntarily give their time and money to the Ayn Rand estate. And that’s a beautiful thing. 
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