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The only proper way to celebrate the arrival of September is with some half-baked listicles. And we are happy to oblige. 

How Long Ago Was That Month?

January: did not happen, largely agreed to be a myth

February: 18.75 years ago

March: 356 million years ago, was part of the Paleozoic era

April: 26 years ago, so according to our data most of our readers are still in diapers, just shitting themselves at will

May: May was actually in the year 2003, we are invading Iraq sorry

June: 3 weeks ago

July: it is currently July

August: not expected to occur this year

September: September hasn’t happened since 2015, at the latest

October: it is also currently October

November: 9 years from now, in postal service delivery times

December: again, there is no evidence that December will occur this year

Trump's Most Likely October Surprises, Ranked

8. Replacing Mike Pence. If this was going to happen, by the rules it would have to be done at the convention. But the rules* also say you can’t have your attorney facilitate hush money payments to your porn star mistress during a campaign, so I feel like we can’t rule this out. It’s definitely the least likely item on the list, mainly because Trump values loyalty above all else and Pence has been a sycophant’s sycophant for his entire term.
*laws

7. Mass tribunals for BLM protesters. We’ve seen Tennessee announce that engaging in protests would result in a forfeiture of voting rights, and Trump already sent the secret police to create violence in Portland. So they’re not being terribly creative here, just kind of running down a totalitarian checklist for engaging with the opposition. Feels like show trials should come up fairly soon.

6. Banning mail or something. It almost feels inevitable at this point that we’re gonna reach a stage where sending mail items through the USPS is going to be a fierce act of #resistance.

5. War :). Remember how much he loved the fawning media coverage of his Syria strike? Now imagine that, but with a country no one’s ever heard of. 

4. Finding a doctor to claim Biden’s senile. This would probably need to be ginned up in the last few days before the election, so the news media doesn’t have time to dig up “facts” that “show this doctor has never had Joe Biden as a patient” or whatever. But still, it wouldn’t be too hard to find someone to make the claim. Is the devil jizz lady still available?

3. Killing his niece on Fifth Avenue. Experts agree, murdering a woman with a firearm could bring Trump’s GOP approval rating up an extra 3-6 percentage points.

2. Announcing charges/investigation into Biden, Hillary, Obama or, idk, someone like that. Again, this is an authoritarian classic, and Bill Barr has shown a somewhat sexual excitement at the opportunity to serve as Trump’s attack dog. It’s hard to imagine exactly what the charges would be (Did Hillary ever send an email about Benghazi? Could be something there), but that would largely be beside the point. Like Comey’s letter in 2016, the aim would just be to get the name of a Democrat in the news alongside words like “corruption” and “federal charges.”

1. Approving a COVID-19 vaccine. It’s hard to call this one a surprise, really. He’s been telegraphing it for months, and the administration is reportedly targeting the (fairly promising!) Oxford University vaccine. Whether he succeeds in making the FDA actually grant vaccine approval before the election, or just unilaterally announces that we have a vaccine now, I have absolutely 0% doubt that Trump is going to claim there’s a COVID vaccine by election day. And honestly I just hope there’s even a crumb of truth to it.

QUIZ: Golfer Who Has Won The Masters or FDR Cabinet Member?

1. Cary Middlecoff

2. Cordell Hull

3. Claude Harmon

4. Claude Swanson

5. Claude Wickard

6. Gay Brewer Jr.

7. Edward Stettinius Jr.

8. Horton Smith

9. Fuzzy Zoeller


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ANSWERS
1. Golfer |  2. FDR | 3. FDR | 4. Golfer | 5. FDR | 6. FDR | 7. Golfer | 8. FDR | 9. Golfer | 10. Golfer

Words That Almost Rhyme With "Bacon"

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