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Good morning to anybody who has paid their fare share of taxes and only to those people who have paid their fair share of taxes.

There Are Too Many Damn
Sports On

I really never thought I would be the one to say this take. I have long held that October is the best sports month of the year, because all four major sports leagues are playing. When sports were canceled at the beginning of quarantine, I was counting down the days until they returned and provided some mild sense of normalcy. But now that we’re at this point, I must say—with a very heavy heart—that there are too many damn sports on.

I want to keep up with everything. I really do. But it’s just too much. To spend all day Saturday watching college football, all day Sunday watching NFL, and Monday and Thursday nights watching more NFL; to have NBA conference finals showing every night, Stanley Cup finals showing every other night, baseball games airing every god forsaken day, and push notifications coming in from ESPN announcing the result of some UFC fight about which I could not give a solitary shit—it is all just too much.

Take some of them away. Not permanently, but just for a bit. Pause the NFL season until the NBA and NHL are done (thereby making some time for 15% of the league to recover from their torn ACLs). Let the MLB players rest. Nobody needed to watch the Dodgers bend the Rockies over three more times when their postseason fates were both already sealed. Delay college football for a month, except for the games where Oklahoma and LSU lose in their season openers, which I want to watch now.

Either that or just delay my grad school program so I can watch all of these games all day long and finally know the true meaning of inner peace.

The Jungian Archetypes I Wish I Actualized

Swiss psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and low-key dilf Carl Jung proposed that there are several archetypes—archaic symbols and images that derive from the collective unconscious—that we actualize and manifest when we interact with the outside world. Which, cool, but I have to say, it’s total bullshit that I never get to fulfill any of the good ones. Just ask my therapist. 

Anyways, here’s the Jungian archetypes that I wish I could embody just once instead of acting like my innermost child all of the goddamn time: 
  • The Cool and Intimidating Californian Teenager
  • The Hot A.P. U.S. History Teacher
  • The Trickster
  • The Version of Myself When I Attended My First Frat Party
  • My Therapist
  • The Red Power Ranger
  • The Baby Panda at the National Zoo
  • The Version of Myself When I Got My First Paycheck
  • Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving
  • The Frank Ocean
  • The Elena Kagan
  • The Instagram Account for Your Friend’s Recently Adopted Pit Mix
  • Anybody But My Father

Everybody Wins When Corey Perry Loses

Last night, Corey Perry and the Dallas Stars fell 2–0 to the Tampa Bay Lightning in Game 6, ending the Stanley Cup Finals and closing the book on what has been a remarkably well-run NHL postseason.

As it happens, Corey Perry is also an unrepentant, pulsating wiener, so we are just extraordinarily glad to see him eat shit. He is a gross-looking assclown who combines Cristiano Ronaldo’s penchant for diving with Christian Bale’s tendency to be a flaming dickwash to everyone around him. He is not even a person; he is an anthropomorphic, carefully sculpted pile of smegma. He is the natural successor to Todd Bertuzzi (but obviously not as bad as Todd Bertuzzi, because nobody is as bad as Todd Bertuzzi).

Need proof? Check out this video, which I sadly did not make myself, but whose title is so perfectly crafted that Shakespeare himself probably would piss his breeches if he were alive to see it.

FUCK corey perry so here’s him being a piece of shit for like 3 minutes

Suck one, Corey Perry. The world rejoices at your misfortune. Have fun diving into the offseason.

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