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5 Perfect Halloween Costumes
for 2020

Can you believe that it’s already Halloween next weekend? Between reopening schools and restaurants and fervently arguing over whether what we’re currently experiencing is a “second wave,” “third surge,” or “fifteenth thrust,” it seems that the last two months have just passed us all by. But if you, like so many, are caught unprepared for everyone’s favorite spooky holiday, fear not! We’ve compiled a handy list of the five best costumes for the eeriest Halloween yet.

5. A Cat, But The Kind That Just Stays In The House
Much like diamond earrings or Gregory Peck’s look in To Kill A Mockingbird, the cat costume will never go out of style. This year, add a fun COVID-19 twist by donning your sleekest blacks, painting whiskers on your face, and staying in your goddamn house.

4. A Conscientious Witch
For those willing to go a little “uglier,” you can never go wrong with a witch costume. But spice it up this year by being a witch in your own home, far from other people, because there’s literally no need to put anyone’s wellness in danger! You can find a hat, robe, and prosthetic wart for pretty cheap online, then all you need to do is grab a broom from your cupboard, and then just add the final touch: don’t! leave! your! fucking! house!

3. Elsa, But Only In The Part Of Frozen Where She Goes and Lives Literally Miles Away from the Nearest Person
Ever since Frozen came out a few years ago, the shining blue dress and platinum blonde hair have been one of Halloween’s hottest looks. Of course, you don’t want to be caught with the same costume as someone else at your party, so try adding a unique flourish: don’t go out to fucking parties, you moron! Jesus!

2. “The Last Great American Dynasty,” by Taylor Swift
Honestly, such a great idea. So many ways to interpret it. And stay at home, you dickwit.

1. A Werewolf with Crippling Social Anxiety
If you like fully committing to your costumes, a werewolf costume is perfect for you. Imagine how scary it will be when people see you! But only imagine, because you’re a werewolf with deep-seated social anxiety who hates parties. Guess you can’t go out! That’s really too bad. I guess you’ll have to sit at home and your couch and just watch a scary movie. 

Hey dude, just calling to check in and also to ask you to use all your institutional capital on my behalf

Hey dude! How’s it been? Long time, I know.

Anyways, I was just calling to check in. And also to ask you to take what little institutional capital you’ve built up at your job and expend it on my behalf. 

It’s been a while. What’s new with you?

That’s great man. Really nice to hear. And how’s your new job going? 

Cool cool. Listen, I know we haven’t seen each other in person since pretty early into the Obama administration, but I have a question for you: Would you be willing to take the credibility you’ve built up this past year and use it to vouch for my recent job application? Sure, your manager probably just started pronouncing your last name correctly, and yes, even our Instagram interactions have trailed off the past couple of years. But hey, bud, it would mean a lot to me if you stuck your neck out for somebody whose sole qualification you’re familiar with is my ability to hit island cups in beer pong. 

You’ll see what you can do? Oh, sorry, you’ll “see if you can see what you can do.” Thanks man, that means a lot. 

Can’t wait until all this is over and we can catch up again in person. And please, if you can, it would mean a lot to me if you’d pass my info along to the coworkers who you’ve barely just started feeling comfortable emailing yourself. 

Thanks again. Your friendship means a lot to me. As does the shred of goodwill you’ve accumulated at your job that I’m asking you to expend on me. 

Cheers bud. 

10 Questions That the Judiciary Committee Should Have Asked Amy Coney Barrett

ACB's judiciary hearings: bad!! Here's 10 questions that would have improved the process: 
  1. Are you mad at me? 
  2. Wait, you went to Rhodesia College before they changed the name to Zimbabwe?
  3. Do you think Pete Buttigieg is jealous that you’ve almost made it out of South Bend?
  4. How much of your opposition to Obamacare is just because it’s a total bitch to cite to National Federation of Independent Business v. Sebelius?
  5. How will YOU use the power of the judiciary to further the Republican Party’s descent into fascism? 
  6. Is this whole thing really just to get back at all those Cubs fans who said they’d take a Trump presidency if the Cubs won the World Series in 2016? 
  7. Which RBG opinion will you overturn first to honor her memory? 
  8. How did your Fed Soc membership at Notre Dame prepare you for a lifetime of a false sense of persecution as a member of a 6–3 conservative majority? 
  9. But actually, what would Trump have to do for you to not accept his nomination?
  10. Is the fact that so many people got infected at your nomination ceremony evidence that COVID-19 has an anti-Catholic bias?
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