Molly Patrick's Saturday Shenanigans & Recipes

Hello beautiful, 

I’m in the process of creating a program that’s going to knock your culottes off. 

My One Week Clean Food Reboot will be a game changer, and I'm looking for a couple people to test it out before I put the finishing touches on it. Shoot me an email if you're game and tell me why you want to try it out. 

This week Luanne and I have tested my plan and I have two things to tell you. 

1) Detoxing from sugar (even if you don’t eat a ton of it) sucks the big one. 

2) Energy, better sleep and loose pants.

I’m going to leave you with that for now, but you can bet your cute booty that next week I'll be telling you much more. 

Now for the real reason you opened this email. 


From ages 12-23 I was on the verge of obsession with being cool, but it never worked out. I never became “cool”. I decided to give up the dream before the dream came to life. I’m glad I did, I wasn’t cut out for cool. Not giving a shit is much more relaxing anyway. 


For your entertainment, I have gathered the best of the best, most un-cool / embarrassing moments from my childhood and teenage years. I still have nightmares about some of them. 

I hope you enjoy (I’ll be enjoying with you). 


1. I grew up in podunk-ville New Mexico. The population spiked in the early 90’s to about 12,000 people, and it has been on the decline ever since. The only thing for entertainment growing up, was to either get stoned or go to “Real West”, our one and only movie theatre (with two screens, mind you). This was me and my friends big weekend fun. Since none of us could drive yet, my mom or dad would drive us to the theatre and then one of them would pick us up when the movie was over. 

Here’s the problem. 

Both the parking lot of the theatre and the driveway to the theatre weren't paved, it was just a dirt road and a dirt area where people could park. When my dad would pick us up from the movie, it was fine, no complaints. When my mom picked us up, it was a different story. 

Here’s how it would go down. 

My friends and I would be outside after the movie, talking about whatever 12-year olds talked about in 1992 (Probably Kate Moss, Courtney Love and Nirvana) and all of a sudden, a billow of dust would emerge at the end of the parking lot, accompanied by the sound of a  horn honking uncontrollably. It could only be one thing. My mom had arrived. 

Every time she picked us up she would barrel up the dirt road to the movie theatre, a trail of dust following her and she would honk the horn over and over again. Sometimes they were long drawn out honks and sometimes they were multiple, quick honks. 

Bottom line, I was always horrified by her arrival. All of the kids outside the theatre would stop whatever they were doing, and stare. 

Me and my friends would bury our heads, walk over to the car, and get in. 

I would beg my mom to pick us up silently, but for some reason, she loved that damn horn. Looking back, I’m just lucky that she gave us a ride to begin with. 

(side note: after mom read the draft of this email, she said “I can’t believe I did this! I must have been afraid that you wouldn’t be able to see the car in the dark”. In honor of Mother’s Day tomorrow, I’ll let it slide. I love you mommmmy) 


2. I was 17, and my best friend and I went on a snowboarding trip with a few friends. I don’t know that I would call them friends per se. They were cooler than me and I was always awkward and didn’t know what to say around them. My best friend was dating one of them, so they were friends by default. 

I had never been snowboarding, so I borrowed a board and a snow outfit and we piled in a huge van and headed towards Santa Fe. We finally reached the mountain and I was nervous. I didn’t have any money to take lessons, so I hung out on the bunny slope, eavesdropping on instructors and mimicking their students’ every move from afar. 

I hung around them for a few hours, trying to get the hang of it. 

My “kind-of” friends were good at snowboarding and they were having a blast. 

I was miserable. Freezing cold, my ass was sore from falling on the packed snow, my lips and skin around my lips were so chapped that I could have been mistaken for a clown, and I was lost in a sea of 3 year-olds who were schooling me. 

Towards the end of the day, I said fuck it and decided to go down a proper run. I found my best friend and asked her to go with me. We made our way to the lift and got on. About half way up, she informed me that we were about to do a black diamond. She told me that when we got off the lift we would have to make an extreme left or we would fall off the mountain and plunge to our death. 

Bloody hell. 

I became nauseous, my palms started sweating and my heart felt like it was going to pump out of my chest and into my lap, but there was no turning back. 

We reached the jumping off spot and as soon as my board hit the snow, I intentionally fell to the ground. Because FUCK going over the edge!!

My friend was off and I was on my ass. 

It took me an hour to get down that stupid mountain. My friend was down in 10 minutes. At times, I scooted down on my butt. 

When I reached the bottom, everyone was waiting for me at the finish because it was time to pack it up and head home (45 minutes ago). #epicfail 


3. The year was 1995 and the movie was Empire Records (where are my Empire Records people in the house?). I fell totally enchanted with Robin Tunney and I convinced my best friend to buzz her head with me. She agreed. (we even shaved our heads to the same song that Robin did in the movie. I’m pretty sure that was my idea). 

I had colored my hair purple a couple of weeks before the head shaving episode, so when it was all said and done, I looked exactly like Abby Caddaby from the Muppets (only without the poofs on top of my head). It was not a good look for me or for my reputation. 


4. One thing that I’ve had a lot of in my day is crappy cars. From the 1980 Ford Tempo, to the 1977 pea green Corolla. Oh, and then there was the 1982 dodge minivan that I sported in college after the Tempo died. It was the last day of my Tempo's life. I knew it was bad but I thought she would get me to school a few more times. As I made my way through the crowded parking lot (which was right next to an area where all the kids like to hang out before class), my car backfired and made an enormous exploding sound, accompanied by a huge cloud of smoke. Everyone who was standing outside ducked and covered their head. I heard a few screams and then a wave of panic came over my peers. That was it for my Tempo, she died right then and there, in front of a large audience. 


5. I was in third grade and my class was about to enter a hot match of the “Dictionary Game”. Before the game started, I had just one question. I raised my hand and asked,“How do you look something up in the dictionary if you don’t know how to spell it?” A roar of laughter came over the class and I could feel my face start to get hot. Everyone was pointing and laughing at me. My teacher pointed out that there were no dumb questions, only dumb answers, but the damage had been done. I didn't ask another question until 11th grade. 

6. I was 8 years old and I had spent the night at a friend’s house. The next morning, we were going to get up and go Yard Sale-ing with her mom. We were at the first sale of the day and I found a shirt that I could not live without. The mom was getting ready to pay so I brought my sparkly shirt confidently up to her. She looked at me and looked at the shirt and said, “oh, I didn’t know you brought money, fantastic!”. 

I hadn’t brought money. I was 8. 

I just looked at her, too embarrassed to look away. 

She asked where my money was, and I told her I didn’t have any. “Who did you think was going to pay for your shirt?” she asked. After I quietly told her that I thought she was going to pay for it, she told me to never assume and to put the shirt back. 

Lesson learned.


7. It was the first week of my Freshman year in High School. I was in class, and me and my classmates were silently reading from our text books. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I farted...and it was loud. I had no idea how it escaped. I hadn’t even felt the urge to fart. I don’t think my face had ever been so red. I had just lived out every 15 year-old's nightmare. When class was over (which felt like eternity), I booked it to the nurses office and called my mom to pick me up. My mom picked me up and she started going on about how I shouldn’t have gone to school if I was sick. As soon as we got in the car I told her that I wasn’t sick and that I had farted in class and there was NO WAY I could be in school the rest of the day.  She looked at me, smiled and gave me a much needed hug. 
As expected, the farting incident that one didn't die quietly or easy. 


8. And of course, my all time top of the tops, most uncool and embarrassing moment was when my ex-girlfriend's mom threw the dinner that I made for her in the trash, after telling me it tasted just like a rubber tire. Ouch. 

Now you know some super uncool stuff about me. 

If you want to email me with some of your super un-coolness, that would be okay too (ya’ll know I love to connect). 

I'm in the midst of throwin’ together a little vegan cheese book for you. 
Here's one of the recipes. It's super delish and super easy. Even my dad made it and thought it was awesome. Enjoy!
(if you're reading this on you phone, the picture will look wonky. It looks better on the computer but who uses those things anymore??) 

Smoked Vegan Cheddar Spread 

1 cup almonds, soaked for 1 hour, or until you can pop the skin off from them (155g)

1 tablespoon lemon juice (15ml)

1 tablespoon peeled and chopped fresh turmeric (10g)

1 teaspoon smoked paprika (2g)

1/4 teaspoon liquid smoke (1.2ml)

1/2 teaspoon sea salt (4g) 

1/4 cup water, plus1 tablespoon (75ml)

  • After the almonds have soaked, remove the skin from each one (think of this as a mediation, and enjoy). 
  • Place the almonds, along with the lemon juice, turmeric, paprika, liquid smoke, sea salt and water in a food processor and process until creamy and smooth, about 5 minutes. 
  • Turn off the food processor intermittently and scrape down the sides so that all of the ingredients get incorporated. 
  • Chill for at least 30 minutes before diving in (face first). 

Our Instagram account is full of vegan food porn. Join us here to get in on the vegetable foreplay.

Also, I am looking for 1-2 people who want to lose 25-150 pounds through clean food. 

If you know anyone who fits this bill, send them my way. 

Have a happy Saturday. Thank you for letting me into your weekend. 



PS  - thank you for all of your awesome questions last week for Julieanna, The Plant Based Dietitian! I'll be sending out the interview next Saturday or the Saturday after. xo 

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