Molly Patrick's Saturday Shenanigans & Recipes

I drove 26 hours without stopping and then it all went to hell in a hand basket 


But first...

I ruffled some damn feathers last week with my Saturday email. I kind of expected that I would, but dang, the Haterade rolled in ALL WEEK!

You know why I’m not bothered? 

1) I’ve been sort of waiting for the vegan police to show up, so it didn’t come out of left field. 

2) I received so many emails from you guys thanking me for my honesty. I’m not for everyone, I get it. The truth is, I'm totally fine with that because if you’re trying to appeal to everyone, then you'll appeal to no one. And that's a fact. 

For those of you I jive with, who resonate with me and who find value or inspiration in what I do (potty mouth and all), YOU are the people I create for. Everyone else can get out of my internetzzzz space (said like a bad-ass mobster). 

(and for those of you who missed last week's email, you can indulge here


On to the topic at hand, my darlings! 

I was tired. Really damn tired. 

I had been driving for 20 hours straight and the only stops I had made were to fill up the gas tank, and go pee. I didn’t even care if I ate. 

Up through New Mexico, through the tip top of Texas, through Oklahoma, up through Missouri, on to Illinois, past Chicago and into a little town where my heart was currently residing. 

I had never experienced tired like this. I started seeing things that I should not have been seeing simply because they were not there. Everything started to look funny. I started feeling funny. 

Only 6 more hours, I told myself and I’ll be there, just keep driving.

Okay. Splash cold water on my face, turn up the music. ..wait...the batteries to my disc man and janky speakers had died hours ago and there were no speakers in my shitty Ford Tempo. It’s not even like they didn’t work, they just, weren't there. A road trip with no music is like death to a 20 year.

That’s how much I loved her.
I didn’t even care that 15 hours of my 26 hour drive was in total and complete silence. 
(but you best believe that I was jamming to this before the batteries died) 

It was the kind of love that hits you hard and fast, and before you know it, this person is your whole ENTIRE world. The kind of love that when you’re next to this person the thought, “I can die now and it would be okay” is normal. 

The kind of love that makes you sick and dizzy and happy and crazy and angry all in the same disgustingly beautiful moment. 

It was that first love. 

That love that will never compare to anyone you’re with ever again. Sure, loves will come along that are better in many ways, WAY better in fact, but it’s never the same as that first, painfully imperfect perfect first love. 

26 hours and 5 states later I arrived. 

My palms were sweaty as I stood on her porch and knocked on her door. I felt nauseous and exhausted and excited all at the same time. I felt all car ride-y and I needed a shower in the worst of ways, but I didn't care. I hadn’t seen her in 3 months, and the anticipation was enough to power a small country for at least 30 days. 

She came to the door and my stomach felt like it was literally going to jump out of my body. 

In that moment, my world stopped. A bomb could have gone off and I would not have noticed. This was my bliss. 


Unfortunately, my world was about to come crashing the fuck down. 


A few days into my visit, I met some of my girlfriend’s family. Her mom, her auntie, you know, the usual nosey suspects who wanted to meet the girl who drove ALL THE WAY from New Mexico to visit. One afternoon the topic of my diet came up. Everyone was shocked to learn that I had never eaten meat. The usual questions started up, “what do you eat?” and “Where do you get your protein?”.

Keep in mind, this was in 2000 and Plant-based eating wouldn’t become mainstream and acceptable (especially in the Midwest) for at least another decade. I did my best to answer their questions. I gave them examples of what I ate and I told them that I had always been healthy, even without eating meat.

At this point, my girlfriend’s mom announced that I would be cooking a vegetarian dinner the following night. I accepted the offer because it was more of an announcement than a request. 


Here’s the thing. I was crap at cooking. 
I had survived on Ramen noodles and beer in college. I had no idea what I was going to do. 

So, I did what I always do when I don't know what to do. I called my mom. I asked her for some recipes so that I could plan the menu (again, it was 2000, Foodgawker didn’t exist yet). She gave me her “Wish Sticks” recipe and suggested that I make a nice salad and serve some yummy bread on the side. 

It was settled. 
I had my meal plan set, my shopping list made, and I was ready to put my heart and soul into this meal. 

Long story short, I did my damn best. 

The store that I bought my ingredients from didn’t have everything I needed, and I wasn’t crafty enough in the kitchen yet to substitute things and come up with creative and yummy workarounds. But I went for it anyway, and I made the meal. I was nervous and I knew it wasn’t going to be the best dinner in the world, but I gave it my all with what I had to work with. 

We sat down at the dinner table, the mom took one bite of her food and she said (and I quote) “What am I eating, a car tire? This has about as much flavor as rubber”. She then brought her food into the kitchen, dumped it in the garbage and started cooking. 

I wanted to cry. I wanted to run out of the house and put my head in one of the holes that used to house my car speaker, but the extent of my embarrassment had me paralyzed to the bone. 


My trip only went downhill from there. I found out (from her Aunt of all people) that my girlfriend had been seeing someone else for the past 3 months and that her invitation to come see her was merely a test to see who she wanted to keep seeing. 

She did not choose me. 


Shortly after the announcement, I packed my bags and told her goodbye. With Bush's "Glycerine" playing in the background, I gave her one last look, knowing I would never see her again. I wanted to vomit. I got in my crappy but surprisingly reliable car and started the long drive home.

I thought the drive there was terrible... the silent 26-hour car ride home with a shattered heart was one of the hardest things I have ever done. To date. 

I got back to New Mexico, crawled in bed and spent the next month and half there. My mom would sometimes lay down next to me and tell me that “This too shall pass” and how she wished she could take some of my pain away. I didn’t say anything, but I heard her and I knew I had the best mom in the world. 
It took me a long time, but I eventually got over her. 


Holy shit, that first love stings!

I am so fucking grateful to be in my thirties. 

I tell you this story to say this: 


My new ebook, Gluten Free, Tootin' Free - 26 Delish Vegan Recipes That Won't Make you Toot is launching this morning and NONE of my recipes taste like rubber. Guaranteed. 

I can’t say that my ex-girlfriend’s mom directly motivated me to learn how to be a bad ass in the kitchen, but I can say that her words have lingered in my head for the past 14 years, and a very small (and ego centered) part of me would love to cook for her again, circa 2014. 

My new ebook is filled with gluten free, vegan recipes and I created it with people who like to eat meat and dairy in mind.

It’s $14.99 and you can download it here. AND to sweeten the deal, I'm throwing in my guide, Staple Items to Rock Your Gluten Free, Vegan Kitchen for free, to my awesome email subscribers (I'm talkin' to you, hotness) when you purchase the ebook. 

The coupon code is gfkitchen Use this at checkout, after you add the ebook and the guide to your cart. If you have any questions, throw them my way. 

And as always, here's a spankin' new recipe for you. It's super yum, super easy and absolutely gluten free. 

Vegan Egg Salad 
gluten free / soy free / nut free (unless you top it with almonds like I did) 

3 cups cooked garbanzo beans (540g) 

2 teaspoons yellow mustard (16g) 

2 tablespoons olive oil (30ml) 

5 tablespoons nutritional yeast (25g)

1/2 teaspoon dried dill 

1 teaspoon sea salt (6g) 

3 tablespoons water (45ml) 

1/3 cup red onion, diced (45g) 

1 cup celery, diced (120g) 

How to do it 

  • Place the garbanzo beans, mustard, olive oil, nutritional yeast, dill, sea salt and water in your food processor. Process until the beans are mashed up but not completely smooth. 
  • Transfer to a mixing bowl and add the onions and celery and stir until everything is combined. 
  • I like to serve it in kale leaves with some avocado, red pepper, chopped almonds  and a squeeze of lemon juice. 

I hope you all of an awesome weekend.
May it be filled with lots of laughs, lots of love and of course, yummy damn food. 

If you know anyone who would find value in what I do, I would love for you to forward them this email and have them sign up here! 

And again, jump your buns over here to rock your kitchen's world like it hasn't been rocked before.

Thank you for letting me into your Saturday. 

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